


But Who Am I Kidding?

by Sunflower319



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Explicit Language, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Nonbinary Character, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Other, POV First Person, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Insert, Suicidal Thoughts, This is flat out a self insert OC, body issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28413225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunflower319/pseuds/Sunflower319
Summary: Lake has lived in the Devildom for almost nine months now. They've gone through more than they ever imagined they could in their human life.Living in a house with seven demon brothers, dying, being brought back, studying for classes that seemed almost fake, and the thing they expected the least... Falling in love with one of the demon brothers. The eldest to be specific.  The Morningstar himself.But really... Who were they kidding? Why would one of the most powerful demons in the Devildom fall for them?A fic based on my own fears and thoughts. It's my first fic (That I've ever posted at least) so any criticism or tips are welcome.
Relationships: Lucifer (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Original Character(s)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic that I've ever posted and I'm honestly so nervous. I really hope I've captured their characters well. Again any tips or critiques are welcome and honestly would mean a lot.

I’ve been in the Devildom for maybe nine months now. I honestly don’t remember exactly how many but eh, who cares about semantics. It was scary waking up in a grand room of thrones and eight intimidating men staring back at me. Being told that I had landed in the Devildom- Which no matter what any of the demons say, this is just hell with a fancy name- and being face to face with the seven deadly sins is...

Yeah.

Scary.

Oh and to make it better, almost being killed by the seven deadly sins themselves, then actually being killed by the seventh in another time line. Coming back then making up with him.

Not exactly ideal.

But here we are now. Months later and I honestly love it here.

It’s better than the human world to say the least. I was lonely up there. Unwanted, abandoned. But here everyone likes spending time with me. Spending time in Purgatory Hall with the angels and Solomon is always much more calming than The House of Lamentation, but the demon brothers mean the world to me. Spending time with the most intimidating man- er, demon- The literal demon prince, Diavolo, and finding out he’s just like a big puppy. And though Barbatos doesn’t talk much, he is actually a very funny and kind demon.

But as much as I love it here. There’s one thing I hate.

Myself.

Well, I already hated myself, but god do I hate myself more, because of course I had to fall for one of the brothers. Of course I had to fall for one these ethereal beings that are so far out of my league it’s laughable. Who is this unlucky demon you may ask? Well it’s the eldest brother himself! Lucifer! The most out of my league demon I could have ever fallen for!

I love him really. And it’s not just for his looks, though damn is he the most handsome specimen I’ve ever seen. No, it’s all the things he tries to hide under that hard exterior. He’s funny and he cares about his brothers. He’ll do anything to keep them safe. He may not show his funny side much but when he does it’s so sudden that I can’t help but laugh. He’s a good leader and he’s strong. Not only physically. He fell from heaven and led his brothers through a rebellion. He hid Belphie in, what was thought to be a punishment, was actually to keep him safe from Diavolo. Even though he’s mean to Mammon at times, he does it to keep him safe and in check. He loves his brothers. He may be standoffish but once you get to know him he’s just… amazing.

But then there’s me. He cares about me but only because he has to protect me for the exchange program. He cares about me in the sense of an obligation. He doesn’t want Diavolo to look bad.

He would never really find me attractive. I’ve always been overweight, fat, unattractive to others. In the human realm I was never wanted romantically. I was brushed off, rejected, ignored. I have such low self confidence and self esteem that even when I do gain a crush on someone, I never act on it. I know what will happen. My heart will be broken just like every other time.

I’m not all that smart either. I used to be this gifted and smart kid but as I got older I just kept failing. And now with these completely new classes in a completely new world I continue to fail. I’m better at most things here than ever before, but I’m still not as good as I should be. I’m just the dumb exhange student who has no idea what’s going on.

So yeah, why would Lucifer- the most handsome demon, who has the highest standards, and who really only takes care of me out of obligation- want to love me?

Because who am I kidding? I don’t even have a chance.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly starting to gain a bit more confidence with this. School is starting in two days so I'm going to be slow updating this. I also lose motivation easily (long story) but I want to finish this and I'm gonna push myself to finish it.

After waking up to Mammon slamming my door open going on about how I need to get ready for school and me yelling at him to get out, I went down to join the others for breakfast. Of course, even though it’s probably only been fifteen minutes, the brothers are fucking around with each other and arguing. With Lucifer at the head of the table looking like he wants to stab all six of them. 

For some reason when I first got here they moved Mammon a seat down so that I could sit next to Lucifer. I guess that it’s so he can watch over me. I began to eat my food slowly. I really wasn’t all that hungry but I know that if I don’t eat now I’ll regret it later.   
I looked up from my plate for a second, just a quick glance and smile at the brothers. They may get annoying at times, but I still love them. As I went to look back down at my plate out of the corner of my eye I felt like someone was staring at me. I turned my head slightly to see Lucifer staring straight at me.

“Good morning, Lucifer.” I greeted quietly. With the way he’s staring at me I feel like I did something wrong. He had a look in his eye that I couldn’t place. Though most times I could never really see what he was feeling behind his eyes with that mask he puts up everyday, but this time I really couldn’t figure it out.  
The eldest cleared his throat slightly before tilting his head slightly, almost like a puppy is how I’ve always compared it, “Good morning, Lake. I’m deeply sorry, I didn’t mean to stare. I just noticed that your tie isn’t tied correctly.”  
  
Oh. Of course. That’s what it was. 

I looked down at my tie and fumbled while trying to retie it. I really haven’t ever been good at tying ties. God, this is so embarrassing. Fumbling in front of him like this, he probably thinks I’m so stupid.   
A pair of hands appear in front of my line of sight, grabbing my tie and slowly fixing it for me. I looked up to see Lucifer tying my tie for me, His brow was pinched slightly and as he lifted his head I quickly looked away. I am so glad that I have darker skin so it’s harder to see when I blush. 

“Mm, “ I hummed, “Thank you, Lucifer. I probably wouldn’t have been able to do it.”

I looked back up to Lucifer and saw him… smiling? He was smiling. Why is he smiling? I did something so dumb and he was smiling at me, “You’re welcome. Just ask if you have a hard time with it again.” He stood up as he spoke and grabbed his plate. i was so distracted by the brothers and too busy with my brain turning to mush over him that I didn’t even notice but he had finished before the rest of us.

“Finish quickly, I don’t want any of you to be late.” He announced as he walked out of the room.

I couldn’t help but watch him go. He always commanded the room when he walked in or out. He had this air about him that I loved and-  
  
“Lake, stop staring at him.” 

I looked up to hear who had said that and saw Satan looking at me, “It’s obvious you like him. Why don’t you just-”

My chair scraped on the floor as I quickly grabbed my plate and walked out of the room, handing Beel my plate before I walked out, “No.” I cut him off. I know it was mean, I didn’t mean to be, really. I just couldn’t listen to him. I know what he was going to say.

_Why don’t you just tell him?_

The brothers of all people should know how hard that is. I’m not embarrassing myself in front of him. No more than I already do. My clumsy and messy ass could never fit him. But at the same time…

I can’t stop thinking about that smile. His smiles are so rare. His genuine smiles are so rare, but they’re like sunshine on a cloudy day. And that smile was at me. He smiled because of me.

I quietly sigh to myself as I walk into my room to grab my bag, smiling softly and glancing up at the mirror, “I’m gonna be thinking about that smile all day.” I said quietly to myself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m surprised I’ve had time to finish another chapter, especially one that’s a bit longer than the last with school and rehearsals in my way, but I did it!! This one actually made me sad, so I hope it portrays that emotion well.

After spending an entire day absolutely miserable and distracted, thinking about that stupid smile all day, at school, I just wanted to take a nap and get some work done. Maybe I can take a nap with Belphie. 

As I walked into the house with Mammon I saw Belphie asleep on the staircase. I turned to Mammon and nodded my head at the younger brother, “I’m gonna take a nap with Belphie, okay? We can work on our homework together later.”

“Pshh, ya say that as if ya won’t end up sleeping all day if ya sleep next to him.” Mammon said as he looked over his shoulder, he turned back to me and stared at me for a second before smiling kindly, “Alright… you need to get some sleep anyway. I’ll just bother Satan and get him to help me.” 

Yeah that’s an absolutely terrible idea but I’d rather sleep than deal with the consequences of  _ that. _ So instead I nodded at Mammon as he walked upstairs yelling for Satan.

After Mammon went down the hall I slowly walked over to Belphie and poked his forehead softly, “Belphie, wake up.” His purple eyes fluttered open slightly as he squinted at me in his sleepy stupor, “Oh… Hey, Lake.” 

I couldn’t help but giggle at him. His hair wasn’t covering his eyes like it usually would. It was sticking up in different directions, a complete mess of bedhead that made him look prickly. 

I offered him my hand and smiled, “Come on, I want to take a nap.” I said as I helped him stand. He nodded slightly and walked with me to my room. As we walked though, I felt like someone was watching us. Glancing behind me I heard someone walking down the downstairs hall, but I didn’t get to see who it was.

Weird.

Maybe I’m just overall paranoid. God, I really do need to sleep.

\--- 

Long, warm arms were wrapped around me, holding me close to their owner’s chest. The body holding me smelled like ink and demonus. Warm and comfortable. Without even looking up I know who it is. 

  
“Lake, look at me.” Lucifer’s deep and smooth voice demanded softly. I slowly looked up at him and see him smiling. My heart is pounding against my chest. My chest feels warm and I feel so… happy. 

Lucifer was holding me in his arms. The fireplace in his office is crackling quietly. Adding to the soft and warm atmosphere around us. 

I didn’t notice at first but I’m sitting in Lucifer’s lap. I was curled up against him and looking into his scarlet eyes. He chuckled softly and pressed his forehead to mine, “I love you. Do you know that?”

My chest became warmer and smiled a wide and goofy smile, looking absolutely stupid but happy, “Of course I know that, Luci.”

“Lake.” 

“Lake.”

“Lake!”

My eyes snapped open and I looked up to see Belphie staring at me. I immediately teared up and looked away from him. It was a dream. It was just a dream. Of course it wasn’t real. But it just.. Felt so real. And so nice, comforting, loving. It felt like he really loved me. 

“Lake. You need to stop dreaming about him.” I heard Belphie whisper behind me.

_ Shit. _

I forgot that Belphie can see my dreams. I completely and totally forgot. So he just saw my dream about Lucifer. He just saw what I really want.

Hot tears began to roll down my face. I quickly wiped my face with my sleeve and turned even further away from Belphie, “Shut up. I don’t want to talk about it.”

I felt a warm presence over my side. I looked up to see Belphie’s hand over my side, he pulled it away and sighed, “It’s only making you feel bad.” Hot tears rolled down my face again and I shot up.

I don’t want to talk anymore. I know that it’s making me feel bad but there’s nothing I can do. Nothing! I’m just kidding myself! If I liked any of the brothers it would be hard to tell them! But  _ Lucifer?! _

I’d only ever get a chance with him-

“You think you’d only ever get a chance with him in your dreams.”

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost a week since I've added a chapter because school and rehearsals are bitches. But I'm proud to say that i made it through this because I'm almost done. I've always wanted it to be decently short. 
> 
> Which speaking of short, this chapter is the shortest one, but it is for a reason.
> 
> Please enjoy :)

“You think you’d only ever get a chance with him in your dreams.”

My heart began to physically hurt, my head and ears felt like they were filled with cotton. Everything Belphie said next, everything I said next, it all sounded muffled in my head.

“Shut up.”

  
“Lake stop doing this to yourself and tell him. I know, of all people, that telling him anything at all is the worst. But I’ve seen what else those dreams become. They’re not always happy like that one. You wake up crying because you’ll dream of him berating you.”

That dream is always the most common one. The most realistic. It always feels the most real, like it’s actually happening. The morning after those dreams I always feel like he really did just yell at me. And sometimes I feel like I deserve it.

I dream of him criticizing me. Telling me that I’m not good enough. That I’m ugly and stupid. There was something that he said in one of my dreams that has never left my head, 

__

_ “I should have never picked you to be the exchange student.” _

I know he didn’t actually say it. I know the real Lucifer would never say that, but it just felt so real. It felt so real and to this day I sometimes hear it ringing in my head.

“Lake-”

“Stop it!” I snapped at Belphie and turned my body to face him and began to feel my face get hot, “Just stop! I know I need to stop dreaming about him but I can’t! I know I should just tell him but who am I kidding, Belphie?! I love him but I know he will never love me that way!” I stood up and stepped away from the bed. Hot tears ran down my face as I motioned to my body, “Look at me! Not even Asmo could make me look good! Not- Not even Satan could help me out and somehow make me smarter! Lucifer cares about me out of obligation! He cares about me for Diavolo’s sake! I’m just an idiot for falling for him-” My tears caught in my throat and I hiccuped, wrapping my arms around myself I sat on the ground, “So who am I kidding, Belphie? Wh-What does it even matter anymore?”

Belphie walked towards me and sat in front of me, I can tell something is going through his head but I just can’t tell what. His eyes were soft. He feels bad for me. I can see it. But there’s nothing he can do. My entire body feels heavy, like a ton of bricks have been dropped on my shoulders. I feel like if I stand up I’ll just fall right back down. I don’t like yelling at my friends. I don’t like reacting like this, but i just don’t know what to do anymore.

Warm arms slowly wrap around me and pull my close. The sleepy demon pulled me to his chest and hugged me close. He wrapped an arm around my head and hid my face in his shoulder, It’s warm and comfortable. I feel safe. 

Until I hear boots clomping down the hall. I could recognize those boots anywhere. My entire body tensed up but Belphie held me tighter. He had somehow contacted Lucifer while I wasn’t looking at him. He told Lucifer to come here and now I’m so fucking screwed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a bit harder to write because I got emotional lmao
> 
> Also TW: Body dysphoria. It's quick but it's mentioned. 
> 
> And can we talk about the fact that there's an entire table inside the MC's room? Like a dining table with chairs?? No one ever acknowledges that.

A shadow covers me and Belphie as I feel Belphie slowly start to let go of me. He stands and looks up at the looming shadow over us. I stay on the ground and stare at the floor. 

He had to have texted him when he was hugging me. He had to have somehow texted him when I wasn’t looking. Maybe when we were still lying on the bed. Now Lucifer is here, seeing me a mess and vulnerable. I don’t want him to see me like this. I don’t want him to know why I’m like this. All it’ll do is disgust him. He’ll find out why I’ve been like this for so long now and he’ll push me away. He’ll never want to talk to me again.

I can feel my chest tightening. I can feel myself starting to panic. I know it’s such a stupid reason to panic but I hate this. I can’t take the embarrassment of telling him. I can’t take the idea of him never wanting to talk to me. I still like seeing him everyday. I still like talking to him. I still like hearing his laugh, seeing his smile.

“Lake.” Lucifer’s deep and smooth voice pulls me out of my thoughts and I slowly stand up, turning away from him, “Lake. Look at me.”

I shake my head and choke up slightly, “No.”

“Lake-”

“N-No, please. I don’t want you to see me like this.” 

“Lake.” A gloved hand grabs my shoulder and turns me around. I pointedly look down at the floor as Lucifer turns me to face him. I can’t look at him. It’s my own fault that I’m reacting like this. I can feel him looking at me but all I feel is him looking at all my flaws. I can consciously feel the fat on my body, feel the messy hair on my head, feel the chest that I try to hide with a binder. Feel everything that I see wrong with myself. I think about my terrible grades. The messy room we’re standing in. The fact that I’ve never been wanted the way I want to be. I don’t have a chance. 

I didn’t even notice that I have tears rolling down my face. I watch as a few of them land on the front of my shirt. At the same time I see Lucifer’s large hand tilt my chin up to look at him, “Why are you crying?”

“You know why.” I sniffled and pushed Lucifer’s hand away. I stepped away from him and felt more tears roll down my face. “You know why. I know Belphie told you. I mean why else would you come all the way over here? Stop the piles of work you have to come and tell me to leave you alone. To never talk to you again.”

Lucifer’s eyebrows furrowed and pinched just like every other time I’ve seen him do it before, “Lake, why would I do that?”

Everything inside has bubbled up and I feel like I’m going to explode. So I do. 

“Because look at me, Lucifer! Look at me! I’m a mess! I-I’m fat and so fucking ugly! I sit here in this messy room because I’m so depressed that I can’t bring myself to clean up. I don’t understand anything in class and no matter how much help I get I still can’t raise my grades or do anything right. I’m constantly making Diavolo look bad! Your job is to make him look good! Your job is to take care of me so that Diavolo doesn’t look bad! S-So why would you feel about me the way I feel about you?! You’re Lucifer! One of the strongest demons here in the Devildom and me, a lowly human, has fallen for you! It’s laughable!” I screamed at Lucifer and stumbled back more, bumping into the table behind me. As I hit the table I fell to the ground and put my hands on my head, “So please. Don’t ask me why I’m crying. Don’t stand here any longer and make me feel humiliated.”

Why did I yell at him? Why did I yell? This isn’t his fault. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have yelled, he probably hates me. I shouldn’t have-

Hands gently held mine and pulled them from my head, “Lake, I have never seen you as ugly. Fat isn’t a bad word and there’s nothing wrong with the way you look. I know it is hard for you at times. I know classes here are hard. I know you struggle everyday and there’s nothing wrong with that.” 

His large hand cups my face and I slowly lean into it, “I know I come off as standoffish. I never mean to. I always try to save face in front of you. My own pride, ironically, gets in the way of telling you how I really feel about you.” He leans forward, so close that I can feel his hair bristling against my forehead, “I love you, Lake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is going to be one more chapter :) I'm honestly proud of myself for making it this far.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter! I believe this is the longest one. Again, I’m proud of myself for making it this far. Thank you to anyone who read this, it means a lot. 
> 
> Also yeah I did neglect paying attention in class to write this last chapter

“I love you, Lake.”   
  


It felt like a whisper against my face. It almost feels fake. It just has to be.   
  


“Why would you love me?” I sniffed and looked up at Lucifer’s scarlet eyes. The look in them was so genuine. So loving.   
  


“Because you’re you.” I furrowed my brows in confusion as he cupped my face with both hands.  
He smiled and continued, “You’re kind, loving, funny, beautiful, smart, and you may not see it but you’re all these things and more. You care about my brothers. You take care of them and keep them out of trouble. At least as much as you can. And lastly, my dear, you care about me. I may seem annoyed with you force me into bed or to take breaks but I really do appreciate it. I never realized how much sleep I wasn’t getting or how much I didn’t eat only because I would forget to, but you would remind me. Lake, my dear, you’re absolutely amazing.”   
  


I can’t deny it anymore. He’s not lying to me. He’s actually telling me the truth.

Lucifer... actually loves me just as I love him. 

My entire body starts to shake. Not out of anxiety or sadness, but because I’m crying and giggling at the same time.   
  


Lucifer’s smile disappeared for a moment before he realized I was laughing.   
He leaned back on his heels and tilted his head just as a puppy would, “Why are you laughing and crying at the same time? And how are you even doing that?” 

I launched myself into his arms in an attempt to hug him but instead I accidentally caused both of us to go flying forward. Lucifer landed on his back and wrapped his arms around me. 

He wrapped his arms tighter around me and burst into a laughing fit. His eyes closed and teary from laughing so hard. I hugged him tighter and hid my face in his shoulder.   
  


“Because you love me. I’m crying and laughing because you love me.” I sat up and put my hands on his chest to balance myself, “I’m just so happy.”   
  


Lucifer’s hands rested on my waist. His smile was bigger than I had ever seen it before. It wasn’t sarcastic or fake. It was a real and true happy smile.   
  


“I haven’t seen you smile and laugh like this in so long, Lake. I can’t help but be proud to say that it’s because of me.”   
He had me lean forward slightly so he can stand and helped me to my feet. Holding both of my hands in his he repeated those wonderful words again, “I love you, Lake.”   
  


I can’t help but giggle again before standing on my toes to try-and fail- to reach eye level with him, “I love you too, Luci-“ 

The taller demon quickly took advantage of my face being so close and grabbed it with both hands before kissing me.   
My eyes widen in surprise. Lucifer is kissing me. This isn’t any kind of dream. This is completely and totally real.   
  


I melt into the kiss and loop my arms behind his neck. I feel Lucifer smile against my lips and slowly pull away. I almost fall forward as I try to follow him. He chuckles, a thunder like rumble in his chest and pulls me closer to him.   
  


“Oh don’t worry, my dear. That’s only the first of many.”

  
  


...

It’s been three months now and I couldn’t be happier.   
  


I guess that mental breakdown in front of Belphie and Lucifer caused the brothers to realize how much help I really need.   
Since then they’ve been helping me everyday. It’s not easy, but they’re always patient and there for me.   
  


Asmo comes in and helps me clean when it’s harder to clean my room. He sometimes comes in to remind me to brush my teeth or do my hair. When I get really bad and can’t bring myself to wash my hair, he’ll do it for me. (Without making any kind of advances, surprisingly.) 

Beel and Satan have taught me simple meals to make and help me eat when it’s harder to bring myself to do so. Satan has also been taking his time to tutor me. He’s been very patient and kind when I don’t understand something.   
  


Levi and Mammon have me spend time with them outside my room when I can’t bring myself to go out. They don’t force me to do things if I can’t, but they always make sure to keep me around.   
  
Belphie not only forces me to nap more when I obviously need to let my body rest, but helps me find things to make sure I don’t stay up all night long.   
  


And Lucifer? Well I feel like it’s pretty obvious. He’s there for me everyday. He lets me sit with him while he works and doesn’t mind when I crawl into his lap just to hug him while he works and sometimes just stay there in his lap. He lets me pull him away from his work more often than before so that we can spend time together, even if it means just laying in bed together.   
  
But I’m also helping him. He doesn’t stay up all night, or so late, as much anymore or forget to eat and take breaks. I force him to bed and force him to rest. At first he would get annoyed or disgruntled but now I see those smiles he tries to hide when I come in to make him take a break.   
  


I barely ever sleep in my own room anymore. I mostly sleep in Lucifer’s. He always seems to hold me protectively when he sleeps. As if he’s afraid I’ll disappear when he wakes up. I always run my fingers through his soft hair when he gets this way. It always seems to calm him down.

Also ever since we’ve started sleeping in the same bed I’ve learned that he talks in his sleep. Very silly things at night. I’ve even heard him grumbling at Mammon in his sleep as if the second born was in the room with us.   
He wakes me up every morning with a kiss and a soft pull to get me out of bed. Making it the first time in my life that I wake up smiling immediately after.   
  


I feel more loved than ever before. I smile more than ever before. Apparently Lucifer as well, as Diavolo has commented on it,

”Lucifer! I haven’t seen you smile this much in years! Thank you, Lake, for taking this man out of his shell!” Before clapping his hand on Lucifer’s shoulder, causing him to stumble forward and causing me to laugh.   
  


Lucifer loves me and I love him.   
  


I couldn’t be happier. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still thinking about the fact that there’s an entire table inside the MC’s room.


End file.
